11 Aug

Day two of the festival begins at 9:30 in the morning when I am awoken by the cleaning lady who does a spot on impersonation of my impersonation of any hotel cleaning lady ever as she knocks on the door and say “House Keeping” in a high pitched Spanish accent. I yell at her “No Thank you” and eh come right back, “Would you like me to come back later?” To which I again respond “No thank you”

I guess this as good a time to confess that I “irrationally” do not like hotel attendants to come into my room when I am staying in the hotel, not when I’m in the room, and not even when I’m not in the room. Seeing as how I travel an awful lot for work, I like my hotel rooms to be as dirty as my own room is in my house, it make me feel more at home in a weird way. That being said “NO LADY I DON’T WANT YOU TO COME IN THE ROOM AND CLEAN!!” Especially not at 9:30 in the morning when I am clearly still asleep.

Now that my peaceful slumber (on the floor) has been interrupted, I decide it is as good a time as any to go to the inferno that is the exercise room in the basement, I figured if I get it out of the way now, I wont have to worry about missing an act later because I still have to go to the gym, and it also allows me to be a fat slob without feeling ridiculously bad about myself. So I go the gym, get a quick workout in and head back upstairs to shower. My brother and Rob have gone to find coffee, because they, like most people, need it in order to operate in the morning, where as I on the other hand, only drink it because I feel like I’m obligated to, just because everyone else is. Peer pressure is a crazy thing.

After the shower I put on shorts and a tank top and head over to the festival. During day one I noticed a lot of people walking around with bandanas that had the Lolla logo on them. I stopped a bald man during the day and asked him where he got his, he stopped and was out of breathe, he had been running (towards the kids stage, which I found very odd), he said he got it at the Toyota tent and pointed me in the direction. I walked over to where he pointed and saw the longest line I had ever seen in my life. I confess, this is clearly hyperbole, the longest line I have ever seen was the line to get on Kingda Ka at Six Flag Great Adventure the weekend the ride opened. My reaction to the line for bandanas at the Toyota tent was the same as my reaction for Kingda Ka…… “Fuck that shit, I’ll come back when there’s nobody here”.  I follow this strategy as I enter the park as the gate open for day 2 of Lollapalooza at 11:15am, I head straight for the Toyota tent, and get on line, this time a very short one, to hand over my personal information (Name, email, daytime phone, nighttime phone, twilight phone, address, first born, and 3 pints of blood) to get my bandana. While on the line I realize they are also giving away tote bags for free, as well as letting people peddle stationary bikes in order to power the booth, and by doing so you are given a magical chip which can be redeemed for a slushy. I can not resist free stuff so I wait on the line for the tote and then peddle away like that dude from “Breaking Away” to get the slushy that I so righteously deserve.

It is 12 o’clock and there are no acts on right now that I want to see so I decide to go get a chipotle chicken burrito. Before this I had never eaten a burrito. I have never had a great affinity for beans of any kind, it might be because I never believe what anyone tells me if it comes in the form of rudimentary rhyming schemes that end with potty humor (Beans beans they’re good for your heart, the more you eat the more your fart) I am pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoy this spicy delight. I finish the burrito, and walk over to the PlayStation stage to see if the band is any good. As I walk down the ramp to the stage area I see Rob who has a beer in hand already at 12:30. He say the band isn’t that good and wants to walk around. So we head over to the Perry’s tent where the stage is being graces by DJ Neil Armstrong, now the easy thing to do here would be to say that he was “Out of this world” (You see what I did there, I made a space joke because Neil Armstrong was an astronaut and astronauts explore space, which is not of this world, and also “Out of this world” is a saying people use when someone is really good……. Oh you understood that…….. So I didn’t need to explain it……. Ok I gotcha…… I’ll shut up now) But I wont say that because he wasn’t out of this world, he was just a regular DJ mixing regular songs together like any DJ could.  We stick around Perry’s to check out Super Mash Brothers. They play an eclectic mix of 90’s songs mixed with modern beats while a reel of Kennan and Kel Clips play on the jumbotron behind them. (I had forgotten how much Kel did love orange soda) We head over to check out The Black Lips for a while then I head back to the hotel to take a nap before going back for some shows before the Headliner for the night.

After my nap has concluded I go back over to the park to check out Ellie Goulding, she is phenomenal. I finally get in touch with my brother, and he tells me that he and Rob are heading over to the Music Unlimited stage to catch some of Cee Lo and get their spots for Eminem. I meet them on the lawn, which has begun to accumulate some mud, due to the large amounts of foot traffic and the precipitation that had occurred earlier that day.

I had never seen Cee Lo perform before this, and to be completely honest, if I had, I would have never agreed to meet up with Christopher and Rob. Cee Lo is on stage in a dress and old school WWF Road Warrior’s Shoulder pads (This is not a lie, this is an actual outfit.) If Cee Lo was dripping in testosterone and was the manliest man in the world, he may be able to pull this outfit of, but the second he opens his mouth you know this is not the case. He sounds like a combination of Trudy from The Cosby Show and Mr. Bill from SNL. His performance is terrible. Nobody is enjoying it, including the 3 women he has playing his instruments for him. He even knows he’s terrible, because every sentence he speaks is prefaced with the phrase “I’m sorry Chicago”:

“I’m sorry Chicago, I’m burning up in these shoulder pads”

“I’m sorry Chicago, we are having some technical difficulties”

“I’m sorry Chicago, can I trouble you for one more song, then ill get out of your hair”

He ends his set with “Fuck You”, where I’m almost positive that the majority of the crowd was singing the chorus AT HIM and NOT WITH HIM, and then plays a recording of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”, he doesn’t have the girls play it on the instruments, he literally just has them play a recording of it and walks off the stage.

We move up closer to get better seats for Eminem. We aren’t going to get as close at we were for MUSE the night before, but we are close enough.

I wasn’t aware of this, but if your are standing in a spot at a festival, it is totally 100 % cool for other people to push you out of the way to get closer (where there is clearly no more space) and / or stand in the 1 square foot of free space directly in front of you. After about 30 minute of being pushed and moved past, we and the people around us decide to create a wall that we will from here on out not allow anyone to impregnate. Surprisingly this works very well and only about 2 people try to get through for the remainder of the night.

At 8:30 Marshall takes the stage. About halfway through the amazing performance my brother gets kicked in the head out of nowhere and while I turn around to acknowledge his reaction I find a large man (to large to be crowd surfing) coming down on me. I catch him on my back, so as to prevent the 3 little Asian girls in front of me from getting crush, and with the assistance of my brother, we push him back in the other direction. The little Asian girls thank me for saving them, and offer me some marijuana in return. I respectfully decline. 15 minute later, a shirtless man appears in our area, he is dancing around very closely with people who clearly don’t know him and are clearly getting frustrated. He of course thinks I am his new best friend. He come over to me and we sing some songs together, and then I turn him in the opposite direction, and he is on his way, without a care in the world. 10 minutes later, another man appears, he too is shirtless. (We are apparently in the tops optional section of the crowd, but only men have taken advantage of this rule unfortunately) This man is not as innocent as our last bare chested companion. If the Jersey Shore has taught us anything, it is the art of the Fist Pump (This I when you move your arm and fist in an up and down motion above your head to the beat of a song.) Our shitless companion, (Who clearly ate the mushroom from Super Mario Bros that doesn’t give you an extra life, or make you huge) is not familiar with the proper way to execute said Fist Pump. He instead feels the need to fully extend his arm in front of him, which then goes in front of the person face in front of him, and move it to the left and right. This gets rally annoying really fast. The person who he’s clearly annoying asks him to stop, but he just stares blankly. She asks again, still nothing, this goes on for another 30 minute until finally we all decide to tell this clearly high and intoxicated bare chested man that we see his friends, and that they are calling for him, and he must go to them immediately. Oddly enough this kind of works, he sort of believes us but not before the woman next to me grabs his face (which he mistakes for making a pass at him) and tell him to leave. He downtroddenly obliges, but not before he gropes her. She takes the good with the bad and dismissed the fondling, because she ahs clearly won the war by getting the guy to leave.

The entire time this is going on, two people are going at it on my brothers back. He apparently has a very stable structure, perfect for leaning against to play tonsil hockey. We crack jokes about these people that they cannot hear, but we find hilarious. We ask them to name the child that they have just conceived on the field at Grant Park during the Eminem show after the both of us.

Eminem finishes his set with a medley of his classics and the second night of Lollapalooza comes to an end.


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