He’s Fancy, He’ll Go Glove

5 Aug


Sports and movies are two of the my favorite things in the world. So one might imagine when the two are combined, my head nears explosion. I preface the following story with this: When someone is drunk, you can learn a lot about them. At the beginning of the summer before last I arrived at my house, greeted by a gathering of people in my back yard (my older brother was having a party). I had just come home from the gym and had planed on going out to the city that night. I saw the people and decided to stay in and attend this party instead.

I had one drink , then another and then another.

The last thing I remember is playing a game of Flip Cup, and then…………. emptiness.

When I awoke the next morning I was greeted by a bottle of Absolute Brooklyn in my bed with me. She had not been gentle with me the night before

As I walked down into my kitchen at 2pm in the afternoon, I was met with disapproving faced, and head-shakes, from my mother and my 2 brothers . The first thing i was asked was, “Do you have any idea what you did last night?” My response of course being “NO” because I did not. Thankfully in his ever-caring kindness, my older brother had documented the waning hours of the night, which had, up until this point, been forgotten by me.

We made our way to the basement and hooked up his camera to the television.

The opening shot looked like a scene that had been left on the editing room floor when they were putting together the final cut of “Cloverfield”. It was shaky camera work, seeing as how my brother is no Martin Scorsese, or even Sofia Coppola for that matter, and eventually it came into focus. The establishing shot was a panning of the party (beautifully done) which then landed on me, head in hands sitting on a bench in my yard (thankfully the events never left the comfortable confines of my yard). This shot last for about two minutes, and was apparently preceded by 58 Min of me doing the exact same thing, I hadn’t moved. My brother then begins to ask me random questions.

These questions culminate with a response that is the inspiration for the title of this post, and proves my qualifications.

The last few minutes of dialogue goes something like this:

Christopher (My older brother): “AJ are you ok?

Me(AJ): I’m fine god dammit, leave me alone (keep in mine at this point I am beyond drunk)

James(My Younger Brother): (Laughter)

Chris: I’m going to ask you one more question.

AJ: Whatever, I hate you

Chris: What was your favorite part of the night?

AJ:(In all honesty, this is what I said) When Gunner Stahl went glove side on Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

Christopher: (Laughing, but not missing a beat) What if he goes stick?

AJ: He’s Fancy He’ll Go Glove

James: When did tonight become Mighty Ducks 2

AJ: Somewhere towards the middle.

Nobody that entire night has mentioned anything about Might Ducks 2, or any other Emilio Estevez classic for that matter. But it was on the tip of my tongue, because movies of that caliber should never be forgotten.

So if there is a better qualification to write about movies, sports and culture, than Mighty Ducks 2 being your go-to drunk quote movie, I dare you to show me.

In conclusion; Gunner, switch it up every once in a while. When everybody knows what move you’re going to go to in the shootout, it’s a miracle when you do score. However your abilities to lose your Icelandic Accent, change your name, and become the varsity goalie for the third film, are extremely underrated.


Rest Stop Condoms

5 Aug


I am on my way to Chicago for Lollapalooza and I was just in Jersey Shore, PA, that is not a Joke. It is only somewhat ironic that this occurred on the same night that the latest season of the Jersey Shore premiered.

Jersey Shore, PA is everything like the real Jersey Shore and nothing like the real Jersey Shore at the same time, there are no beaches but a lot of people I would never willingly associate with, except the people in Jersey Shore, PA are hicks instead of Douchebag Juice-heads.

While stopped in Jersey Shore, PA at the Citgo station, I picked up a big ass coffee, a brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart, and some gum. After paying the faithful gas station / convenient store attendant, I decided to wander the isles of this glorious fuel refreshment center.

The things that infested the isles could have quite possibly been the weirdest amalgamation of products to be available under the same roof. It was a proverbial cornucopia crap.

The isle caps, which anyone who has ever been to a grocery store knows should have the best products available, were filled with DVDs, however these DVDs were basically bootleg copies of movies that didn’t warrant an actual copy let alone a bootleg copy. They ranged from the Tim Burton / Mark Whalberg “Planet of the Apes” to a Chuck Norris movie that wasn’t “Sidekicks” (RIP kid from”Sidekicks”)

After the end caps the product in the isles spanned the spectrum of useful, toothpaste and snacks, to “who would get this at a rest stop” , shot glasses with Abraham Lincoln on them and #2 Pencils who’s package was running a sweepstakes to win an iPod Mini, that’s right, an iPod mini, a product that hasn’t was last used before the kid from “Sidekicks” died (RIP kid from “Sidekicks”)

The things that really caught my eye in the rest stop were the condoms. Like any good rest stop, this place had a shit load of condoms, and ghetto male enhancement products (Horny Goat Weed). The assortment of condoms was pretty standard until I ventured into the bathroom to pee before getting back on the road. In the bathroom there was a vending machine where one could purchase a glow in the dark condom. Seeing this made me stop and reflect to myself “who would possible use a glow in the dark condom”. After some deep thought I came up with the following list of people who would use a glow in the dark condom.

1) Rave enthusiasts (who would of course use their penis as a glow-stick)
2) Star Wars enthusiasts (who would recreate the light saber battles with their Peni)
3) People named Dustin

The fact that glow in the dark condoms exist in the world make me believe that anything in the world is possible. But how well can glow in the dark condoms work? My assumption is, NOT WELL. So if your in the market for a baby, be sure to use glow in the dark condoms. (RIP kid from “Sidekicks)